為大家展示一下雅思作文的批改評(píng)析，希望大家能夠以小見大，舉一反三到自己的雅思作文寫作當(dāng)中。雅思寫作的完成，不是結(jié)尾段，而是檢查，是自我批改和找他人批改，唯此寫作才可精進(jìn)。下面大家就隨小編一起去看看怎么修改雅思作文吧!
In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? 在一些國(guó)家，人們的體重在增加，健康指數(shù)在下降，請(qǐng)分析這些問題的原因以及提出解決方法?
首段：原創(chuàng)習(xí)作
As reported by many non-government organizations, there is a trend of increasing number of overweight population from the developing countries to the developed countries. The weight of people has been proved by the dominant medicine to associate to one's illness and health condition. Doctors have found that the blood lipid level in an overweight person is usually out of the normal range. The abnormal lipid level has been reported that it leads to high risks of liver disease, heart attack and cerebrovascular diseases. As weight is so important to people's health, it is necessary to analyze the causes behind and find a solution.
點(diǎn)評(píng)：首段寫作不錯(cuò)，幾乎沒有語法拼寫錯(cuò)誤，首句介紹背景，接著談及問題影響，尾句交代寫作目的。但是，細(xì)節(jié)處依然可以改進(jìn)，詞匯可以升級(jí)，句型可以寫的更加漂亮，雅思寫作畢竟是考察語言的質(zhì)量。many = numerous = plenteous = countless. There is trend of = it seems to be an inevitable that that. countries一詞在第二次出現(xiàn)的時(shí)候可以換成nations, 以避免詞匯的重復(fù)。個(gè)人認(rèn)為像cerebrovascular disease. (腦血管疾病) 可以在首段省略，因?yàn)檫@樣的詞匯在真實(shí)考場(chǎng)很容易寫錯(cuò)。The weight of people has been proved by the dominant medicine to associate to one's illness and health condition. 該句表達(dá)的不清晰，作者似乎想說，主導(dǎo)性的醫(yī)療機(jī)構(gòu)證實(shí)，肥胖是和人的疾病和健康相互聯(lián)系的， 但是associate 要和with 搭配使用。最后應(yīng)該說應(yīng)該找到一些解決方法，所以，a solution 建議改成some recommendations.
首段：修改版(只是表達(dá)法升級(jí)，不改變作者思想)
As reported by numerous non-government organizations, it seems to be an inevitable trend that increasing number of people, ranging fromdeveloping countries to the developed ones, are now facing with obesityproblem. Plenteous medical institutions have already proved that countless diseases could be associated with one’s overweight. Doctors have found that the blood lipid level in an overweight person is usually out of the normal range, which might contribute to high risks of liver disease, heart attack and so on. Considering the severity of fatness, it is of great necessity to analyze the underlying causes and ascertain some recommendations.
二段原創(chuàng)習(xí)作：
The first reason for the increasing weight of people in the developing countries is the improvements of economy. Due to the economic booming in the developing countries during last century, people could feed their families with more food, which is not available in the past. These extra foods then make extra energy stored in one's body and add one's weight.
點(diǎn)評(píng)：人們肥胖的原因很多，其中最明顯是：第一，人們不重視健康管理，生活方式不健康，習(xí)慣了久坐，缺乏體育鍛煉。第二，經(jīng)濟(jì)的發(fā)展使得人們的飲食結(jié)構(gòu)多元化，有些人攝入太多營(yíng)養(yǎng)過剩食品以及習(xí)慣了高脂肪和高熱量的食品;第三，有些孩子的肥胖是遺傳原因。參加過培訓(xùn)的學(xué)生們大概是知道肥胖的三個(gè)原因的。清華學(xué)子的分析的第一原因是想說經(jīng)濟(jì)發(fā)展了，人們吃的東西更多了，暴飲暴食導(dǎo)致人們的肥胖。但是二段寫作比較單薄，沒有太多的亮點(diǎn)。出現(xiàn)了細(xì)節(jié)的錯(cuò)誤。
二段的明顯錯(cuò)誤：economic booming 應(yīng)該改成 economic boom 或者 the prosperity of the economy. feed family with more food 應(yīng)該改成 feed families with more foods. make extra energy stored in one’s body 應(yīng)該改成make extra energy store in one’s body.
二段：修改版(只是表達(dá)法升級(jí)，不改變作者思想)
The potential factors triggering one’s overweight are manifold. Here, some of them will be analyzed. The most essential reason engenders people’s obesity in millions of countries is the availability of more and more foods that are high in nutritional value.Virtually, Due to the prosperity of the economy and the betterment of people’s standard of living, modern people now could afford tosatisfy their stomachs via enjoying various delicious foods, which usually contain excessive fat, sugar or calories. Imaginably, too much intake of over-nutritious foods will definitely make one put on weight.
三段原創(chuàng)習(xí)作：
The second cause lies in the rapid lifestyle in the developed countries. The rapid life-style make the appearance of fast food industry, which is Mcdonaldization. People are more likely to choose fast food when they feel stressful due to rapid life-style. Unfortunately, researches have found that fast food contains high level of cholesterol and high energy which are fat inducing factors and result in people's overweight.
點(diǎn)評(píng)：三段中作者是想論證快餐食品的流行導(dǎo)致了人們的肥胖。男孩的主要問題就是詞匯的單調(diào)重復(fù)。lifestyle 一詞出現(xiàn)了三次，全文中反復(fù)出現(xiàn)了developed countries，沒有變化和改寫，due to 一詞上段已經(jīng)用過了。其實(shí)快節(jié)奏的生活方式是有專有寫法的(the sonic lifestyle 或者是 the high pace of modern life). 思路上，第二個(gè)肥胖的理由最好去論證生活方式不健康，不懂得健康管理，或者是遺傳原因。以為第一點(diǎn)原因已經(jīng)論證過了飲食。我的建議就是背誦健康類話題語料庫(kù)，學(xué)習(xí)詞匯替換，思路應(yīng)該更加開闊。
三段：修改版(只是表達(dá)法升級(jí)，不改變作者思想)
Another contributing factor lies in the sonic lifestyle and the fierce competition. More precisely, The ever-accelerating modern life make a great many people have no alternative but to resort to fast foods. The popularity of more and more fast food restaurants, such as KFC or Mcdonalds, account for people’s fondness of junk foods. Owing to the high pace of modern life modern people, especially schoolchildren, are more likely to opt for fast foods when feeling stressful or hard-pressed for time. Unfortunately, problems ensued, researchers have found that those fast foods containing high level of cholesterol and high energy are fat inducing factors and could easily result in people's overweight.
尾段原創(chuàng)習(xí)作：
After detecting the reasons of overweight, it is urgent to find the right method to tackle them. For the first cause, it is better for people to get more education about eating health. For the second one, we would find that we cannot do anything to the rapid life-style. However, we still can make some changes. It would be better for people todiscover a new fast food with a lower lipid and energy, or to exercise regularly to use up those extra energy included in fast food. Only in this way, can people lead a better, healthier and more enjoyable life in the long run. Consequently this issue would be resolved successfully and a more harmonious life will be fulfilled.
點(diǎn)評(píng)：這篇文章的最高分?jǐn)?shù)就是6分吧。讀完尾段，感覺時(shí)男孩的模板或者是巨型都沒有亮點(diǎn)，很難高分，詞匯的使用也不是特別精準(zhǔn)。discover 是發(fā)現(xiàn)的意思，還不如用explore 或者是find. Use up 改成 consume 更加通順。However = yet =nevertheless. method 復(fù)數(shù)更加合理。健康的飲食習(xí)慣為wholesome diertary habit 不是eating health。男孩的口語化和直接對(duì)譯的味道比較重。這些只是小的瑕疵，總體的語言質(zhì)量和思路還是好的，只是，真正的雅思考試考查的持續(xù)犯罪的原因和解決;人們工作后就不再持續(xù)學(xué)習(xí)的原因和解決;個(gè)人環(huán)保不作為的原因和解決等話題要遠(yuǎn)比肥胖話題更加難以應(yīng)對(duì)。
文章的布局也是有問題的，一般分析問題解決問題的文章，二段是分析三個(gè)原因，三段是提出相應(yīng)的三個(gè)解決策略。男孩的布局不是特別推薦。
尾段：小鵬哥修改版(只是表達(dá)法升級(jí)，不改變作者思想)
After investigating the reasons of fatness, it is high time that we explored some effective methods. For the first cause, it is advisable for those fat people to acquire more knowledge about wholesome dietary habit. For the second one, although we can do nothing tochange the rapid life-style, we l can still make some changes. It would be better for people to turn to a new fast food with low lipid and energy, or to exercise regularly to consume those extra energy including in fast foods. Only in this way, can people lead a better, healthier and more enjoyable life in the long run.
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