史上最全的英語(yǔ)笑話集錦
Good Sight 好視力
Lawyer: You say you were about thirty-five feet away from the scene of the accident? Just how far can you see clearly?
Witness: Well, when I wake up in the morning I see the Sun, and they tell me it's about ninety-three million miles away.
律師：你說(shuō)你離事故現(xiàn)場(chǎng)約有35英尺，你能看清多遠(yuǎn)的東西?
證人：這么說(shuō)吧，早上起床后我看見(jiàn)太陽(yáng)，別人告訴我這大約有9300萬(wàn)英里遠(yuǎn)。
來(lái)信
Mr. Henry Beecher entered Plymouth Church one Sunday and found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it contained the single word ″Fool″. Quietly and with becoming seriousness he announced to the congregation the fact in these words:
″I have known many an instance(實(shí)例) of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the letter.″
一個(gè)星期天,亨利·比切先生到普利茅斯的教堂去,在那里有他的幾封信。他打開(kāi)其中一封,發(fā)現(xiàn)信中只寫(xiě)著“傻瓜”兩個(gè)字。
他平靜而認(rèn)真地把這件事告訴教友們：“寫(xiě)信時(shí)忘了簽名的人,我遇到過(guò)很多,但只簽了名卻忘了寫(xiě)信的人,我還是頭一次遇到。”
Customer: Waiter, I can't find any oysters in this oyster stew.
Waiter: Well, you wouldn't expect to find any angels in an angel food cake, would you?
顧客：服務(wù)員，我這個(gè)牡蠣燉菜里怎么沒(méi)有牡蠣?
服務(wù)員：是啊，你不會(huì)指望在天使蛋糕里發(fā)現(xiàn)天使吧?
玫瑰
On the way home one night, I spotted some fresh-cut roses outside a florist's shop. After selecting a dozen and entering the shop, I was greeted by a young saleswoman.
Are these for your wife, sir? she asked.
Yes, I said.
For her birthday? she asked.
No, I replied.
For your anniversary?
No, I said again.
As I pocketed my change and headed toward the door, the young woman called out, I hope she forgives you.
一天晚上回家的路上，我看到一家花店外面有一些剛剪下來(lái)的玫瑰。我挑了一打，走進(jìn)店里，一個(gè)年輕的女售貨員跟我打了個(gè)招呼。
先生，這些是送給你妻子的嗎?她問(wèn)道。
是的，我說(shuō)。
她的生日?她問(wèn)。
不是，我回答。
你們的結(jié)婚紀(jì)念日?
不是，我又答道。
當(dāng)我將找回的錢(qián)裝進(jìn)口袋，朝門(mén)口走去時(shí)，那年輕的女人沖我喊道：希望她能原諒你。
Part-time Job業(yè)余工作
When my son was a hign-school sophomore, he got a part-time job sacking groceries at a supermarket. He came home all smiles.
"How was your first day?" I asked.
"It was great, Dad," he replied. "I got to talk to some good-looking girls."
Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, "What did you say to them?"
"Do you prefer paper or plastic?"
我兒子在一所中學(xué)讀二年級(jí)時(shí)，在一家超級(jí)市場(chǎng)找到了一份包裝商品的業(yè)余工作。他滿面笑容地回到了家。
“第一天感覺(jué)如何?”我問(wèn)。
“好極了，爸爸。”他答道，“我跟許多漂亮的女孩子講了話。”
由于斯蒂芬不善言談，我問(wèn)道：“你跟他們說(shuō)了些什么?”
“你是喜歡紙包裝還是塑料包裝?”
Who Discovered Australia?誰(shuí)發(fā)現(xiàn)了澳大利亞?
Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me, Johnny.
Johnny: It's there, sir.
Teacher: That's right. Now Sammy, who discovered Australia?
Sammy: Johnny, sir.
老師：約翰尼，在地圖上給我找出澳大利亞在什么地方。
約翰尼：先生，在這兒。
老師：對(duì)了。薩默，你來(lái)回答我是誰(shuí)發(fā)現(xiàn)了澳大利亞?
薩默：先生，是約翰尼。
Quick Cleanup快速清掃
Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."
不速之客就在路上，我媽媽?zhuān)粋�(gè)完美的家庭主婦，正忙里忙外地整理。她分配給我爸和我哥哥的任務(wù)是打掃供客人使用的浴室。一會(huì)兒之后，當(dāng)她去檢查的時(shí)候，她吃驚了，曾經(jīng)一度雜亂的房間瞬間就被打掃干凈了。接著她看到浴簾上有一張紙條，紙條上寫(xiě)著：“謝謝你沒(méi)往浴缸里看。”
Christmas Eve Service平安夜禮拜
Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, "Now, where was I?" A tired voice called out, "Right near the end!"
就在我開(kāi)始平安夜禱告時(shí)，教堂停電了。教堂里的接待人員和我找到一些蠟燭，把它們放在禮堂周?chē)Ｈ缓笪抑胤抵v道壇，整理了一下筆記后，我說(shuō)：“剛才我講到哪兒了?”傳來(lái)一陣不耐煩的聲音：“馬上就講完了!”
Coins in American Currency 美國(guó)的硬幣
There are 100 cents in a dollar. Coins come in the following denominations: $.01 or 1 cent (a penny,a cent, one cent), $.05 or 5 cents (a nickel, five cents),$.1 or 10 cents (a dime, ten cents), $.25 or 25 cents(a quarter, two bits, twenty-five cents), and $.50 or50 cents (a fifty-cent piece).
Coins are called "change", "small change", or"silver" though they aren’t made of silver anymore.
Coins are generally recognized by their size, butsomebody "goofed" on the dime, which is smaller than either a nickel or a penny. All the others are in size order.
One more word for you: don’t hold out your hand with either bills or coins and expect someone to take the correct change from you. That cannot be done in any Western country.一美元中有一百美分。硬幣是按下列幣值鑄造的.：一美分，五美分，十美分，二十五美分，五十美分。
硬幣也叫"零錢(qián)"，"小錢(qián)"，或"銀幣"，雖然它們不再是用銀子鑄成的�？偟恼f(shuō)來(lái)，硬幣是通過(guò)大小來(lái)識(shí)別的，但總有人把十美分搞錯(cuò)，它比五美分和一美分都要小。其他的都按幣值的大小順序排列。
還有一點(diǎn)要說(shuō)明：你不能伸出手，托出一把紙幣和硬幣而希望別人從你那里拿走數(shù)目正確的零錢(qián)。這在任何西方國(guó)家都是不好的。
Now We Run 現(xiàn)在我們跑吧
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy’s position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow, places his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles and asks, "And now what, my little man?" The boy replies, "Now we run!"
一個(gè)牧師正沿著街走路，這時(shí)他看到街對(duì)面有個(gè)小男孩正試圖按一所房子的門(mén)鈴。但這個(gè)小孩太小了，門(mén)鈴又高，他夠不著�？吹侥莻�(gè)小男孩費(fèi)了很多勁，牧師走近了他。牧師優(yōu)雅地穿過(guò)馬路，走到小家伙的背后，輕輕地把手放在小男孩肩頭，按響了門(mén)鈴。他彎下身子，微笑著問(wèn)道：“接下來(lái)怎么辦，孩子?”小男孩回答說(shuō)：“接下來(lái)我們跑。”
We Left Nothing 我們什么也沒(méi)留下
Mrs Brown was going out for the day. She
locked the house and tacked a note for the milkman
on the door: "NOBODY HOME. DON’T LEAVE ANYTHING."
When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked. On the note she had left, she found the following message added:
"THANKS! WE HAVEN’T LEFT ANYTHING!"
布朗太太要外出一天。 她鎖好了房門(mén)，在門(mén)上給送牛奶的人釘了一張便條：“家里沒(méi)人，請(qǐng)不要留下任何東西!” 她當(dāng)天晚上回家后發(fā)現(xiàn)房間門(mén)被撞開(kāi)，房子被洗劫一空。在她留給送奶人的便條上，她發(fā)現(xiàn)被補(bǔ)充了一句：“謝謝!我們什么也沒(méi)留下!”
你以為你是誰(shuí)?Who do you think you are?
The bus was crowded, and as one more man tried to get on, the passengers wouldn’t let him aboard.
“It is too crowded, “they shouted.” who do you think you are?”
“I am the driver.” he said.
公共汽車(chē)上很擠，當(dāng)又一個(gè)人還是試圖上車(chē)時(shí)，乘客們不讓他上。
“車(chē)上太擠了，”他們喊道，“你以為你是誰(shuí)?”
“我是司機(jī)!”他說(shuō)。
瘋?cè)嗽?The Looney Bin
Late one night at the insane asylum (瘋?cè)嗽?one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!”Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"
一天晚上，在瘋?cè)嗽豪�，一個(gè)病人說(shuō)：“我是拿破侖!”另一個(gè)說(shuō)：“你怎么知道?”第一個(gè)人說(shuō)：“上帝對(duì)我說(shuō)的!”一會(huì)兒，一個(gè)聲音從另一個(gè)房間傳來(lái)：“我沒(méi)說(shuō)!”
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