讓你學好英語的英語笑話
睡前禱告詞
Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "Make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."
Her mother interrupted and said, "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?"
And Julie replied, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"
朱莉葉在做睡前禱告。“禱告上帝，”她說，“讓那不勒斯成為意大利的首都吧。讓那不勒斯成為意大利的首都吧。”
媽媽打斷她說：“朱莉葉，你為什么求上帝讓那不勒斯成為意大利的首都呢?”
朱莉葉回答說：“因為我在地理考卷上是這么寫的。”
幾月走的
When Jack bowed to someone, he always did it at lightening speed. You shouldn't wait any longer after he has had his head nod. So he was blamed for no manners. Then some warmhearted men taught him, "When you bow to somebody next time, you can count 'January, February, March. until December. Then you can lift your body up. Thus, the ceremony will be perfect.
The next day, he met his uncle, he did as the men told him. The bow was so long that it made his uncle feel surprised and escaped away soon . When Jack looked up, he found his uncle gone . So he asked the passer, "Which month did he go away?"
杰克給人鞠躬，飛快地一點頭，就算完了。大家都怪他不懂禮貌。于是便有好心的人教他說，“下次鞠躬的時候，你就在心里數(shù)：正月、二月、……一直數(shù)到十二月為止，然后再直起身來。這樣，禮節(jié)就周全了。”
第二天，杰克見到他的叔叔，他便如法炮制。這躬鞠得太久，叔叔吃了一驚，趕緊逃開了。杰克抬頭一看，其叔早已不知去向，他便問過路人：“我叔叔幾月走的?”
the important of a second language
A cat and her four kittens ran into a large dog. When the kittens cowered, the cat let out a series of loud barks, scaring the dog away.
Turning to her kittens, the cat said, "You see how important it is to know a second language."
一天，一只貓媽媽領著4只小貓在路上走，卻遇到了一只大狗。小貓們嚇的蜷縮成了一團，這時貓媽媽吼出了一連串的汪汪聲，大狗被嚇跑了。貓媽媽轉過身來對幾個小貓說，“孩子們，看看掌握一門外語是多么的重要呀!”
Easy or Not
Pulling alongside our drive-up bank window, a woman was not happy with her position. So she backed up and pulled closer. Still not satisfied, she backed away and tried again. After five attempts, she finally parked the car and rolled down her window. I greeted her with a simple "Good morning".
"Good morning," she replied cheerfully. "I'm going to have to use this drive-up all the time. It's so easy!"
一位婦女把車沿著我們銀行的驅車直達窗口開過來，可她并不滿意于她停的位置。因此她倒車，靠得更近點。還是不滿意，倒車，再來。五次努力后，終于她把車停下來，搖下車窗。我簡單地問候她一聲“早上好”。
“早上好，”她愉快地回答說，“以后我都要使用這種驅車直達窗口。真是如此的方便。”
假如我是一個經理
One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition – If I Am a Manager.All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.I am waiting for my secretary, was the boy’s answer.
一天課上，老師要同學們以如果我是一個經理為題寫一篇作文。所有的學生都在動筆寫了，只有一個男生例外。老師走過去問他為什么不寫。我在等我的秘書。那孩子答道。
A Life for a Life(以“命”抵命)
The English author，Richard Savage，was once living in London in great poverty.In order to earn a little money he hadwritten the story of his life，but not many copies of the bookhad been sold in the shops，and Savage was living from hand tomouth.As a result of his lack of food he became very ill，butafter a time，owing to the skill of the doctor who had lookedafter him，he got well again.After a week or two the doctorsent a bill to Savage for his visits， but poor Savage hadn't anymoney and couldn't pay it.The doctor waited for another month and sent the bill again. But still no money came. Afterseveral weeks he sent it to him again asking for his money.Inthe end he came to Savage's house and asked him for payment，saying to Savage，“You know you owe your life to me and Iexpected some gratitude from you.” “I agree，” said Savage，“that I owe my life to you， and toprove to you that I am not ungrateful for your work I will givemy life to you.”With these words he handed to him two volumes entitled，The life of Richard Savage.
英國作家理查德·薩維奇一度在倫敦過著貧困潦倒的生活，為了賺幾個錢，他曾寫了有關他自己生平的故事。但是這部書在書店里并沒有賣出幾本，薩維奇過著朝不保夕的日子。由于缺乏食物，他病得很厲害。后來，由于給他治療的那個醫(yī)生的高明醫(yī)術，他才又恢復了健康。過了一兩個星期之后，醫(yī)生給薩維奇送來了一張討要診費的帳單，但是貧窮的薩維奇沒有錢來償付。醫(yī)生等了一個月后又送來了帳單，但仍然未索回分文。幾個星期之后，他又送來帳單要錢。最后，醫(yī)生本人來到了薩維奇的'家中，對他說：“你明白，你是欠我一條命的，我希望你有所報答。” “是的，”薩維奇說，“我是欠你一條命，為了向你證明我對你的診治不是不報答，我將把我的命給你。” 說著這番話，薩維奇遞給醫(yī)生兩卷書，名叫《理查德·薩維奇的一生》。
我要做的一切就是付錢!All I do is pay
"My family is just like a nation," Mr. Brown told his colleague. "My
wife is the minister of finance, my mother-in-law is the minister of war,
and my daughter is foreign secretary."
"Sounds interesting, " his colleague replied. "And what is your
position?"
"I’m the people. All I do is pay."
布朗先生告訴同事說：“我的家簡直就象一個國家一樣。我妻子
是財政部長。我岳母是作戰(zhàn)部長，我女兒是外交秘書。”
“聽上去挺有意思的，”他的同事說，“那你的職務是什么呢?”
“我就是老百姓。我要做的一切就是付錢。”
喂狗 For the Dog
The family seated in a restaurant had finished their dinner when Father Called over the waiter.
"My son has left quite a lot of meat on his plate," explained Father, "Could you give me a bag so that I can take it home for the dog?"
"Gosh, Dad!" exclaimed the excited boy. "Have we got a dog then?"
一家人在飯館里吃過晚飯，父親把服務生叫了過來。
”先生，什么事?“服務生問。
”我兒子的盤子里剩下許多肉，“父親說，”能給我們一個袋子嗎?我把剩下的東西帶回去喂狗。“
”啊呀，爸爸!“兒子激動地叫喊著。”咱家養(yǎng)狗了嗎?“
腦移植 A Brain Transplant
The Brain Surgeon was about to perform a brain transplant.
"You have your choice of two brains," he told the patient, "For $1000 you can have the brain of a psychologist, or for $10,000 you can have the brain of a politician."
The patient was amazed at the huge difference in price. "Is the brain of a politician that much better?" he asked.
The Brain Surgeon replied, "No, it’s not better, just unused."
一個外科醫(yī)生正要作一個腦移植手術。
“你可以從兩個腦子中選一個給你。”醫(yī)生告訴病人，“一個心理學家的大腦1000美元，一個政治家的大腦10000美元。
病人很驚訝二者之間這樣大的差別，“政治家的大腦好一些嗎?”他問。
醫(yī)生說：“不是好一些，只是沒有用過。”
最丑的孩子
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
一位女士抱著她的寶寶上公交車，司機看到后說：“額，那是我這輩子見過的最丑的小孩。”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
女士走到車廂后面坐下，感到很憤怒。她對旁邊的男士說：“司機剛剛羞辱了我。”男士回應說：“你快上去斥責他。去吧，我替你抱著你的猴子。”
我娶了你的姐妹
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
一位婦人發(fā)現(xiàn)丈夫回家的時候總是爛醉如泥，她決定為丈夫治好這個毛病。一個萬圣節(jié)夜里，她穿上一套魔鬼戲服，躲在樹后，準備在丈夫返家時攔截他的去路。
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
當丈夫走近時，她從樹后跳出來，站到他面前，頭上帶著紅色的羊角、身后有長長的尾巴，手中握著鋼叉。
"Who are you?" he asked.
“你是誰?”丈夫問到。
"I'm the Devil!" she responded.
“我是魔鬼!”她回答到。
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"
“噢，那你跟我一起回家吧，”丈夫說，“我娶了你的姐妹!”
小女孩的愿望
On the way home after watching a ballet performance, the kindergarten teacher asked her students what they thought of it. The smallest girl in the class said she wished the dancers were taller so that they would not have to stand on their toes all the time.
在觀看完芭蕾舞表演回家的路上，幼兒園老師問學生的觀后感。班上最小的女孩說，她希望舞蹈演員可以長得更高一點兒，那么他們就不用整天踮著腳尖了。
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