英語笑話爆笑精選

　　The Monkey

　　A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

　　一男子去酒吧，點了一杯啤酒。他喝了一口放下。當(dāng)他環(huán)視酒吧時，發(fā)現(xiàn)一只猴子蕩下來，在他阻止之前，偷走了啤酒。該男子問酒吧招待，這只猴子是誰的。服務(wù)員回答說是鋼琴手的。男子走到鋼琴手面前問：“你知道你的猴子偷了我的啤酒嗎?”鋼琴手回答說：“沒有，但是如果你能哼唱，我會為你演奏的。”

　　絕配

　　A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase. Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman.

　　Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color. The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous.

　　Years later, he retires and turns the business over to his son."Dad, “says the son, there’s something I’ve got to know. How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?"

　　"Son”, the father replies, I painted the vase."

　　一個富有的主婦很是驕傲因為她收藏了一件非常有價值的古董花瓶，于是她決定把臥室粉刷成與花瓶同樣的顏色。許多油漆匠都試圖盡力與花瓶的顏色匹配，但是沒有任何人能做得 讓那古怪的女人滿意的。

　　一個油漆匠很自信他能做到，最終他成功了。那個主婦很滿意，于是這個油漆匠也變得很出名。

　　多年以后，油漆匠要退休了，他把自己的'生意交給兒子去經(jīng)營。“爸爸”兒子問“我還有些事情想知道，你怎么能把墻粉刷得和花瓶的顏色那么相配?”“兒子”爸爸回答到“我只不過是把花瓶刷了。”

　　I didn't know that I was so far back already

　　A big battle was going on during the First World War.Guns were firing， and shells and bullets were flying about everywhere.After an hour of this， one of the soldiers decidedthat the fighting was getting too dangerous for him， so he leftthe front line and began to go away from the battle. After hehad walked for an hour，he saw an officer coming towardshim. The officer stopped him and said，“ where are you going?” “I'm trying to get as far away as possible from the battlethat's going on behind us， sir，” the soldier answered. “Do you know who I am?” the officer said to him angrily.“I'm your commanding officer.” The soldier was very surprised when he heard this and said，“My God，I didn't know that I was so far back already!”

　　第一次世界大戰(zhàn)期間，一場大戰(zhàn)役正在進(jìn)行。槍炮轟鳴，炮彈和子彈到處亂飛。這樣過了一個小時后，一個士兵認(rèn)定戰(zhàn)斗對他來說變得太危險了，所以他離開前線開始逃離戰(zhàn)場。步行了一個小時之后，他看見一個軍官向他走過來。那軍官叫住他說：“你要到哪兒去?” “長官，我正盡可能遠(yuǎn)地躲開我們身后正在進(jìn)行的戰(zhàn)役，”士兵回答說。 “你知道我是誰嗎?”軍官生氣地對他說：“我是你的指揮官。” 那士兵聽到此話感到非常驚訝，說：“天哪，我想不到我已經(jīng)往回跑了這么遠(yuǎn)了!”

　　誰欠誰錢

　　A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $250 due for a consultation.

　　律師的狗，沒有拴而到處閑逛，它來到一家肉店，偷走了一塊 烤肉。店主來到律師的辦公室，問道“如果一條沒栓的狗從我的商店里偷了塊肉，我有權(quán)利從狗的主人那里要回?fù)p失嗎?律師答道：“完全可以”，“那你欠我 8.50美元，你的狗沒栓而且今天從我的店里頭了塊肉”，律師什么都沒說，馬上給他寫了一張支票。一些天后，店主打開郵箱，發(fā)現(xiàn)一封來自律師的信，信上寫 道：咨詢費250美元。

　　婚禮上有長官在

　　A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street. "But officer," the man said, "I can explain.""Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to put you in jail until the chief gets back.""But ,officer, I ….""I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!"A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "You are lucky because the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.""Are you sure?" answered the man in the cell. "I'm the groom."

　　大街上的一個超速駕駛者被警察攔住了。“但是警官”這個人說道，“我可以解釋的”。“保持安靜”，警察突然說道。“我將把你送往監(jiān)獄，直到長官回來。“但是，警察，我……”。“我說過了保持安靜，你要到監(jiān)獄了。”幾小時后，警察向監(jiān)獄里看了看說道“算你運氣好，因為我們的長官正在他女兒的婚禮上。他將帶著一個愉快的心情回來的。”“你確定”在牢房里的這個人說道。“我就是新郎呀”。

　　哪有人能彎腰彎那么低的

　　Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a much beloved, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him -- his height. or, should I say, his lack of it.One day, he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!" Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for the one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"

　　我們的餐廳經(jīng)理是一位深受大家愛戴，和藹而又快樂的人。但在他面前有一件事不能提--他的身高。或者，我應(yīng)該說，他是有點矮!一天，經(jīng)理怒氣沖沖地撞門而入，高聲說，“有人拿了我的錢包!”

　　我和其她大部女招待都沒敢吱聲，但有人卻蹦出一句話：“哪有人能彎腰彎那么低的啊”!

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