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關(guān)于圣誕節(jié)的笑話(精選26個(gè))
你知道學(xué)些笑話的好處么?當(dāng)?shù)谝淮我娒娴臅r(shí)候,總是有不知道該說什么的尷尬,這時(shí)候你就需要一些笑話,來緩解一下氣氛呢,這里小編為你收集整理了關(guān)于圣誕節(jié)的笑話,希望能對(duì)你有所幫助哈!
1、禮物
有人說長(zhǎng)的好看的人已經(jīng)開始收到圣誕禮物了,長(zhǎng)的難看的人還沒有收到……這其實(shí)這是一種很片面的說法,
長(zhǎng)的好看的人隨時(shí)都會(huì)收到禮物好嗎!長(zhǎng)的不好看的人不僅僅是圣誕節(jié),什么節(jié)日也收不到禮物!
2、CBD
女神一直在兩個(gè)男人之間徘徊,平安夜,終于下定決心給兩個(gè)男人各自發(fā)一條短信:“6點(diǎn)先來CBD接我下班的,我就和他在一起。”
高富帥開心的笑了,屌絲雖然知道自己希望渺茫,但還是早早的騎車出門了。
六點(diǎn)了,高富帥還在堵車,而屌絲在CBD迷路了……
3、郵費(fèi)
圣誕節(jié)前夕,她給在遠(yuǎn)方的男友打電話撒嬌:“親愛的,我把自己打包成快遞寄給你怎么樣?”
男友說:“不行,太貴重了!”
“人家沒有那么貴重啦!
“我是說郵費(fèi)太貴,你太重了!
4、精神病院
圣誕節(jié)快到了,一位參議員到州立精神病院慰問。
全院病人在禮堂聽參議員演說?诟缮嘣锏刂v了半天,也聽不到臺(tái)下的人鼓掌。
參議員很尷尬,只好打足精神講下去,想激發(fā)大家的掌聲以便下臺(tái)。
突然,有個(gè)病人站了起來,對(duì)周圍的人大聲說道:“你們別聽這個(gè)小子胡說八道。他是個(gè)瘋子,上午剛被送進(jìn)來!
5、誰會(huì)揀起鈔票
圣誕節(jié)前夕,圣誕老人和一清廉的政治人物,以及一心地善良的律師在一家高級(jí)飯店一同等電梯,門還未開前,三人同時(shí)看到地上有一張100美元的鈔票,猜猜誰會(huì)將它撿起?
答案:當(dāng)然是圣誕老人啦!為什么?因?yàn)榇蠹叶贾懒硗鈨烧卟⒉淮嬖凇?/p>
6、圣誕樹
查理每年都向他老爸吵著要圣誕樹,他老爸總是說太貴了,不想買。
今年圣誕節(jié)又到了,查理的老爸實(shí)在被他吵得頭疼,于是提起斧子出了門。過了一刻鐘,老爸扛著一棵大個(gè)的圣誕樹回來了。查理高興地大叫起來,“老爸,你真了不起,才花一刻鐘就砍了這么大的一棵樹回來!”
老爸拍拍他的后腦勺說,“傻小子,砍樹哪有那么快,我是從集市上帶回來的!
查理問:“你不是嫌貴不想買的嗎?”
老爸說:“沒看我?guī)Я烁訂??/p>
7、時(shí)間早了
圣誕佳節(jié)到來,法官心情愉悅地問受審人:“你干了什么壞事呀?”
“我今年圣誕購(gòu)物早了些,”犯人哭著回答。
“那并不是件壞事,”法官說,“到底多早?”
“商店開門之前,”犯人答道。
8、圣誕老人
某日,媽媽問小于:你相信有圣誕老人嗎?
小于:嗯……(想了一下)不相信……
媽媽心想小于真是長(zhǎng)大了。她便又問:你為什么不相信有圣誕老人呢?
小于想了想說:因?yàn)檫@里從沒下過雪。
9、 Into the Church進(jìn)教堂
Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store,and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators,and soon the squirrels were back. The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later,the squirrels climbed back in。 Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.
鎮(zhèn)里有三座建筑物被松鼠占領(lǐng)了——市政廳、五金店和教堂。市政廳引進(jìn)了一些貓。但這些“獵手”撕毀了文檔,于是它們也就被市長(zhǎng)請(qǐng)出了市政廳。而很快,松鼠又回來了。五金店捕捉到松鼠后,施與憐憫將它們?cè)阪?zhèn)外釋放了。但三天后,松鼠爬回鎮(zhèn)里來了。只有教堂采取了一種有效的解決方案。松鼠得到洗禮成為了教眾,F(xiàn)在,人們只會(huì)在圣誕節(jié)和復(fù)活節(jié)時(shí)才能看到松鼠。
10、Denomination 面額還是教派?
A woman goes to the post office and asks for 50 Hanukkah stamps. "What denomination?" asks the clerk. The woman says,"Six Orthodox,12 Conservative,and 32 Reform."
一名女士走進(jìn)郵局,問職員要50張光明節(jié)紀(jì)念郵票(注:光明節(jié):猶太人慶祝光明到來的節(jié)日)。職員問!岸嗌倜骖~的?”女士說:“6張東正教,12張保守黨,32張革新派。”
11、Good Lights 好燈
A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand,but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did,and each one lit up. "Great," she said. I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box.But as I handed them to her,she looked alarmed. "I don’t want this box," she said abruptly."It’s been opened."
一位顧客進(jìn)我們的商店買圣誕燈。我給她看了我們店里最好的牌子,但還需確認(rèn)一下燈泡是否正常。她讓我把燈泡從盒子里拿出來,然后通上電。我照做了。每一個(gè)燈泡都是正常的。她說:“非常好。”我小心翼翼地把這串圣誕燈放回盒子里。可當(dāng)我把這一盒燈泡交給她時(shí),她吃驚地看著我,突然說:“我不要這一盒,它打開過的!
12、Stop the Presses讓媒體閉嘴
These holiday “headlines” — concocted by the satirists at the Onion — are completely fabricated.And yet they have the ring of truth.Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings,Study Finds Link Between Red Wine,Letting Mother Know What You Really Think,Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year,Book Given as Gift Actually Read.
這些節(jié)日頭條——由全美最優(yōu)質(zhì)新聞媒體The Onion的諷刺作家杜撰——完全是胡編亂造,不過聽起來還真像是事實(shí)。諸如《放進(jìn)圣誕襪的煤太貴了買不起》,《研究發(fā)現(xiàn)了紅酒間的聯(lián)系》,《讓媽媽知道你真正在想什么》,《會(huì)計(jì)人員蜂擁時(shí)代廣場(chǎng)慶祝新財(cái)年》,《書當(dāng)圣誕禮物真有人讀》。
13、Hiding the Presents藏禮物
I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children,I had to find a suitable hiding place.I chose an ideal spot—the furnace room.I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket,positive they’d remain undiscovered.When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree,I lifted the blanket and there,stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to "Mom and Dad,From the Kids."
早些天我就做好圣誕購(gòu)物并包裝好所有的禮物了。因?yàn)橛袃蓚(gè)好奇的孩子,我需要找一個(gè)適合藏禮物的隱蔽處。我想到了一個(gè)理想的地方——爐子間。我疊好禮物,用一塊毯子把它們蓋起來,覺得它們肯定不會(huì)被發(fā)現(xiàn)。當(dāng)我去拿禮物想把它們放在圣誕樹下時(shí),我掀開毯子,看到,在我準(zhǔn)備好的禮物上面整齊地疊放著另一些禮物,上面寫著“給爸爸媽媽,你們的寶貝”。
14、賣炭為生
只有六個(gè)月大的小北極熊由于貪玩,不幸走丟了,從此他就與媽媽分離了。
半年后,他突然有一天碰上了一只雌性黑熊,小北極熊一下子就撲到黑熊懷里,激動(dòng)地說道:"媽媽,我以為這輩子再也見不到你了呢,今天我們終于團(tuán)聚了。但是我不明白你這兩年毛色怎么發(fā)黑了呢,是不是這兩年你一直以賣炭為生?"
15、Limited Knowledge知識(shí)有限
As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve,I accidentally dropped one."No problem," I said,picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate."You can’t do that," argued my four—year—old."Don’t worry.Santa will never know." He shot me a look."So he knows if I’ve been bad or good,but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?"
平安夜那天,在我們分發(fā)餅干時(shí),我一不小心掉了一塊到地上!皼]關(guān)系!蔽乙贿呎f,一邊撿起來,并在放回盤子前撣掉了上面的灰!澳悴荒苣敲醋!蔽宜臍q大的孩子爭(zhēng)論道。“別擔(dān)心,圣誕老人不會(huì)知道的!彼翌┝艘谎邸!斑@就是說他知道我有沒有做壞事,而他不知道餅干掉在地上過?”
16、Odd Christmas Visit奇怪的圣誕拜訪
From an article on the Woolacombe Bay Hotel in Devon,England: "Their three—night Christmas break includes a packed program of family entertainment,a crèche,excellent cuisine,and a visit from Satan."
英格蘭德文郡Woolacombe海灣酒店有一篇文章:“他們的三日圣誕假期套餐包括家庭娛樂、育嬰托管、美味佳肴,還有撒旦來訪”。
17、Quick Cleanup快速清掃
Unexpected guests were on the way,and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper,rushed around straightening up.She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom.Later, when she went to inspect it,she was surprised that the once—cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly.Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."
不速之客就在路上,我媽媽,一個(gè)完美的家庭主婦,正忙里忙外地整理。她分配給我爸和我哥哥的任務(wù)是打掃供客人使用的浴室。一會(huì)兒之后,當(dāng)她去檢查的時(shí)候,她吃驚了,曾經(jīng)一度雜亂的房間瞬間就被打掃干凈了。接著她看到浴簾上有一張紙條,紙條上寫著:“謝謝你沒往浴缸里看!
18、Post Holiday Blues假日里的郁悶事
A waitress at our restaurant had a change of clothes stolen from the break room. Making matters worse,she’d planned on wearing them to the Christmas party.As a brand—new employee,I didn’t know any of this backstory, so I was a bit surprised to find this indignant note posted on the community board: "It has been two weeks since the Christmas party,and I still have not found my clothes."
我們飯館里一位女服務(wù)員的一套換洗的衣服在休息室里失竊了。更糟的是,她原本計(jì)劃穿著那套去參加圣誕聚會(huì)。作為一個(gè)新員工,我并不知道這個(gè)幕后故事,因此當(dāng)我發(fā)現(xiàn)這張充滿怒氣的紙條貼在社區(qū)公告欄里時(shí),有點(diǎn)吃驚。紙條上寫著:“圣誕聚會(huì)已經(jīng)過去兩個(gè)星期了,但我始終還沒找回我的衣服!
19、Easy to Forgive輕易寬恕
Late for a seminar and unable to find parking,I pulled into a spot behind a church.It was only after I’d gotten out of the car that I spotted this sign: "No parking. Forgiveness is our business,but don’t make it harder than it already is."
因?yàn)檠杏憰?huì)遲到,現(xiàn)在找不到停車的地方,于是我把車停在了教堂后面。直到我從車?yán)锍鰜砦也趴吹竭@個(gè)標(biāo)志牌:“不準(zhǔn)停車!寬恕是我們的職責(zé),但是不要給原已糟糕的現(xiàn)狀添堵了!
20、Waiting for Christmas等待圣誕節(jié)
My wife took our three—year—old to church for the first time.Getting impatient while waiting for the Mass to start,he turned to her and asked,"What time does Jesus get here?"
我妻子第一次帶我們?nèi)龤q大的孩子去教堂。在彌撒曲開始前我們等了很久,孩子等的不耐煩了,轉(zhuǎn)向媽媽問:“耶穌什么時(shí)候來這里?”
21、Christmas Eve Service平安夜禱告
Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary.Then I reentered the pulpit,shuffled my notes, and muttered,"Now,where was I?" A tired voice called out,"Right near the end!"
就在我開始平安夜禱告時(shí),教堂停電了。教堂里的接待人員和我找到一些蠟燭,把它們放在禮堂周圍。然后我重返講道壇,整理了一下筆記后,我說:“剛才我講到哪兒了?”傳來一陣不耐煩的聲音:“馬上就講完了!”
22、電話
乘地鐵遇到個(gè)牛人。 地鐵上,一哥們兒的鈴聲大作,眾乘客一聽: "爺爺,那孫子又給您來電話了…… 爺爺,那孫子又給您來電話了……爺爺,那孫子又給您來電話了。" 只見那哥們兒慢慢悠悠的掏出手機(jī)接聽,說道: "喂!爸,什么事……?"
23、位子
公交車上人滿為患,售票員向正準(zhǔn)備上車的嚷道:"不要再上了,已經(jīng)沒有位子了!"
車上的胖MM忽然要在這里下車,她剛邁下車門,只聽售票員大聲喊道:"快,快點(diǎn)!還可以上3位。"
24、三種人
世界上有3種人
一種是相信圣誕老人的
一種是不相信圣誕老人的
剩下的是圣誕老人
25、禮物
小明沒有收到圣誕節(jié)禮物,就去問圣誕老人為什么不給他
老頭說:太冷了,煙囪熱脹冷縮,鉆不進(jìn)去
26、圣誕老人的孫子
圣誕節(jié)將到,某單位舉行一次圣誕晚會(huì),由于節(jié)目很多,圣誕老人一般在最后才出來向大家祝福。扮演圣誕老人的演員無事,在那里把胡須拿下來吃肯德基。當(dāng)主持人說: “現(xiàn)在由圣誕老人向大家祝賀圣誕節(jié)快樂。有請(qǐng)圣誕老人!边@時(shí)扮演圣誕老人的演員,慌張地上了臺(tái),把這胡須給忘了戴就上臺(tái)。主持人一看不對(duì)呀,這圣誕老人怎么沒有胡須呢?忘說: “你是何人呀!”,這時(shí)他知道自己忘掉戴有須了,他急中生計(jì)地說: “我是圣誕老人的孫子!敝鞒秩笋R上說: “請(qǐng)你把你的爺爺叫來!彼卮鸷篑R上跑到后臺(tái)戴是胡須出來,對(duì)大家說: “你們有沒有看到我的孫子!